


Ethan Hunt’s Short and Handy Guide to What Not to Do on Missions

by remy (iamremy)



Category: Mission: Impossible (Movies), Mission: Impossible - Ghost Protocol (2011), Mission: Impossible - Rogue Nation (2015)
Genre: Banter, Getting Together, Humor, M/M, everyone's teasing poor Ethan, honestly i don't know what this is
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-01-15
Updated: 2016-01-15
Packaged: 2018-05-14 03:20:36
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,204
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5727763
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iamremy/pseuds/remy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>or, as proposed by William Brandt,<br/><em>Survival for Dummies</em></p>
<p>---</p>
<p>Exactly what it says on the tin.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Ethan Hunt’s Short and Handy Guide to What Not to Do on Missions

**Author's Note:**

> I was going to make this serious, I swear. It just kind of wrote itself to be the exact opposite.  
> The formatting didn't turn out quite the way I wanted - I had it all color-coded and stuff but for some reason that's not showing up - and so I've just put their initials to indicate who's talking. I hope it isn't too confusing.
> 
> In case anyone would rather look at the original, you can find it [here](http://www.mediafire.com/view/nx6i4z9jca3y94o/survival_for_dummies.pdf). Please do come by and give feedback anyway <3
> 
> Hope it gives you all a laugh!

**Ethan Hunt’s Short and Handy Guide to What _Not_ to Do on Missions**  
or, as proposed by William Brandt,  
**_Survival for Dummies_**

  1. **Always, _always_ , have a plan ready.**



**E:** But it’s all right if you don’t stick to it. Even the best-laid plans fall apart. In that case make it up as you go along.

**W:** No, that’s fucking bullshit, Ethan, that’s the sort of shit that will get you killed. If you can’t go with Plan A, have Plan B ready. And Plan C. Best to have backup plans ranging from B through Z, just in case.

**E:** No, that’s – no one has the mental capacity to plan that much, Will. And you know you can’t predict every single thing that will happen. Sometimes you have to improvise.

**W:** If you’re careful it won’t come to that. Always have backup plans.

**E:** Okay, yes, I see your point, but there comes a point when you just _have_ to—

**L:** Quit your bitching and move to point 2.

**E:** No one invited you, Luther, go away.

 

  1. **If there’s a role that requires dressing up, and you’ve been having a dry spell lately, do not assign the role to the most attractive member in the team. _DO NOT._**



**W:** What’s this supposed to mean?

**E:** Exactly what it says. We don’t want any awkward situations arising on missions.

**W:** What kind of awkward situations?

**L:** He means boners, Brandt.

**B:** Oh, you mean like the time Will had to dress formally to impersonate that businessman, and the suit was a bit tight-fitting? Ethan spent the entire mission with a jacket tied around his waist.

**W:** _What?_

**E:** Shut up, Benji.

**J:** Are you shitting me?!! Ethan said it was too hot to wear the jacket and that’s why he tied it around his waist.

**L:** And you believed him? I thought you were smarter than that, Carter.

**W:** What is going on?

**L:** You looked good and Ethan got a chub.

**E:** _That is **not** what happened_ – who even invited you, Luther, fuck off, I’m moving on to point 3.

 

  1. **Always make sure that your equipment is in working order before you begin the mission. Failure to do so will result in you being screwed over when you least expect it.**



**J:** Looking at you, Benji.

**B:** It wasn’t my fault the gloves weren’t fully charged!

**W:** You were in charge of equipment.

**E:** I almost fell off the tallest building in the world, Benji.

**B:** I thought they were charged!

**W:** You could have checked. Ethan almost died.

**L:** How’s that different from what he usually does?

**J:** You have a point.

**B:** YUSUF PROMISED ME THEY WERE CHARGED WHEN HE GAVE THEM TO ME TO PUT IN THE SUPPLY CACHE! If you’re going to blame anyone, blame _him_!

**W:** How long before Moscow did Yusuf give them to you?

**B:** …three months.

**W:** There you fucking go. Keep our shit together, Benji.

**J:** Stop arguing, children, we’re writing a guide.

**E:** Really? I thought we were putting squiggles on paper and hoping someone understood them.

 

  1. **If you’re going to have a teammate do something utterly ridiculous that will probably result in them being eviscerated, it’s best to break the news gently.**



**W:** And when he asks if he’s going to be jumping into an oven, essentially, don’t say yes.

**B:** What was I supposed to do, lie to you? You would have caught me anyway!

**W:** You told me my only chance of not being cut to ribbons by a giant fan was your little magnetic robot thing. All of our equipment had been fucked on that mission. You can see why I was nervous.

**B:** I really can’t, Will. I told you I’d catch you, and I did.

**J:** Maybe the two of you should have done some trust exercises first.

**E:** Or – and here’s an idea, Will – you could have trusted your team leader and not doubted him.

**W:** It’s not my fault you’re a reckless idiot, Ethan, someone’s got to call you out on your bullshit.

**E:** My bullshit’s saved the world.

**J:** I think what Will’s trying to say is that some of that bullshit might have been unnecessary.

**W:** Thank you, Jane.

**J:** Maybe we should all listen to Will once in a while. We could have a relaxing mission for once, where everything goes according to plan.

**W:** Gee, a mission where everything goes according to plan. Wonder what that feels like.

**E:** You’re all ungrateful little brats and I’m asking for a new team.

**W:** Shut up, you know you love us.

**J:** Well, he certainly loves one of us.

**E:** Jane, you’re disowned.

 

  1. **There is no such thing as “too many explosions”.**



**W:** Yes there is.

**J:** Explosions are cool, though.

**E:** But usually unnecessary.

**E:** I wouldn’t blow things up if I didn’t _absolutely_ have to.

**W:** Liaaaaaaar.

**B:** Why do I never get to see any explosions?! It’s not fair.

**W:** Believe me, explosions aren’t that awesome.

**J:** Pfft bullshit.

**E:** I agree.

**W:** THERE WAS BARELY ANYTHING LEFT OF THE KREMLIN AFTER YOU GUYS WERE DONE WITH IT.

**E:** We didn’t do that, Cobalt did!

**W:** Why is it that you’re always followed by explosions, Ethan? The helicopter in the tunnel on the Phelps case. Zhen blowing up a Lamborghini. The Kremlin.

**J:** I felt actual physical pain when I heard about the Lambo.

**E:** If it makes you feel better I think Zhen cried a little.

**B:** Can’t really blame her. You made her blow up a _Lamborghini._

**E:** It was for a mission. We had to.

**L:** Oh, like how you making Brandt wear a Speedo to that arms dealer’s pool party was also for a mission?

**E:** JESUS, LUTHER, GO AWAY.

**J:** Are there any pictures of that party? I want to see Will in a Speedo.

**W:** I burned every single picture from that party. And I blew up the house. Jesus. Talk about traumatic experiences.

**E:** Look who’s _not_ anti-explosion now.

**B:** To be fair to Will, his swimming trunks would have worked too. There was no need to put him in a Speedo.

**E:** Yes there was, okay, it was _for the mission_. I’m your team leader, you can’t doubt me. Which leads me to point 6.

 

  1. **If your team leader tells you to do something, _do it_. They’re team leader for a reason, they know what they’re doing.**



**W:** EXCEPTION: your team leader is a reckless idiot and is proposing something utterly ridiculous.

**E:** I don’t propose _utterly ridiculous_ things.

**W:** YOU MADE US KIDNAP THE BRITISH PRIME MINISTER.

**E:** Don’t exaggerate, Will, we didn’t kidnap him.

**W:** BECAUSE I SAID NOT TO.

**J:** Hang on, you guys did _WHAT_?

**W:** Ethan said that we had to kidnap the Prime Minister to save Benji. I told him that it’s a terrible fucking idea.

**J:** Did he listen?

**W:** What do you think?

**L:** To be fair, Brandt, Ethan said he couldn’t see another way.

**W:** That’s because Ethan’s brain immediately thinks up the most ridiculous possible plan, and convinces him it’s a good idea.

**E:** Well, it worked, didn’t it?

**W:** Only because I had a better idea.

**J:** What did you do?

**W:** Pretended I was giving them up. Hunley fell for it.

**B:** He’s an idiot.

**W:** Who happens to be our Secretary now.

**L:** Eh, it could be worse.

**W:** That’s what I tell myself every time Ethan does something stupid.

**B:** Sometimes that’s not true, though. Like that time he died in Morocco.

**W:** Wait, _WHAT_?!!!

**B:** Shit, I wasn’t supposed to tell you.

**E:** Benji, you’re disowned too.

 

  1. **If there’s ever a scenario where you’re not breathing and have to be resuscitated, do not tell the more easily upset members of your team.**



**W:** I’m not “easily upset”, asshole, I just like knowing if _my team leader is dead_.

**E:** I wasn’t, though. Dead, that is.

**B:** Um, you kind of were. For a few seconds, at least.

**J:** What the hell were you even _doing_?

**B:** It’s a long story involving an underground data storage cell, and Ethan holding his breath for three minutes.

**W:** _WHAT_? Ethan, you said it was for a couple of minutes at most, asshole! And you didn’t mention you’d died, ASSHOLE.

**L:** Anyone notice how Ethan totally lets Brandt get away with cursing at him?

**J:** People do all kinds of strange things for love.

**E:** _Et tu_ , Jane?

**W:** What’s love got to do with it?

**E:** Nothing, don’t listen to them.

**W:** Honestly, though, next time you pull some shit like that again and don’t tell me, I’ll murder you.

**E:** All right, fine, I’m sorry. I just didn’t want to worry you.

**W:** Guess what – not telling me just makes me worry more, Ethan!

**E:** I didn’t think of that. You’re right, I’m sorry.

**W:** Fine, just don’t do it again, okay?

**J:** _CAAAAAAAN YOU FEEEEEL THE LOOOOOVE TONIIIIGHT_

**E:** Why are you here, Jane, I thought I disowned you.

**J:** You can’t get rid of me that easy.

 

  1. **Codenames. Very important. Very very important.**



**B:** Have to be good ones, though.

**E:** Well, of course. That’s a given.

**W:** Pop culture references are a huge NO, because the nerds in your team will fight over who gets to be Han Solo or whatever.

**B:** YOU MADE ME DARTH VADER, OF COURSE I WAS UPSET.

**W:** Jane bagged Han Solo before Ethan could, and I think Ethan was more upset than you.

**B:** He got Anakin, okay, that’s still pretty awesome.

**J:** And he wasn’t upset when Benji forced Will to be Padme.

**L:** And Brandt agreed?

**J:** Ethan talked him into it.

**L:** Gee, I wonder why…

**E:** Luther, you’re disowned as well. Get out of my sight.

**L:** No one cares that you disowned them, Ethan. Like Carter said, you can’t get rid of us that easy.

 

  1. **Don’t rent the 4x4, they’re not built for high speed chases.**



**W:** LUTHER WANTED IT.

**L:** You chose it!

**W:** Yeah, because you wanted a 4x4! You were adamant! You just had to have it!

**L:** It’s easier to navigate, okay.

**W:** What were we navigating, pray tell?

**L:** The streets of Morocco.

**W:** EXACTLY! Not some kind of desert terrain. ROADS!

**L:** Well, I didn’t know we’d get into a car chase, did I?

**W:** We’re supposed to be prepared for everything! And I did tell you there might be a car chase if we had to resort to Plan H!

**L:** Jesus, I’m sorry I don’t keep your bloody convoluted smartass plans at the forefront of my mind, Brandt.

**E:** Quit fighting, that 4x4 saved my life.

**J:** How?

**E:** Will used it to run over a guy who wanted to kill me.

**J:** Nice. I approve.

**W:** Thank you. Though we could have run over a guy in _any_ car.

**L:** But a 4x4 is the most effective when it comes to running people over, so HA I WIN.

**W:** Whatever.

 

  1. **Be as dramatic as possible to strike fear into the hearts of your enemies.**



**W:** Only you would say that, you drama queen.

**E:** It works, though. Remember Lane at the end?

**B:** I get the feeling it just made him angrier. He’d have killed us all if he wasn’t in a box.

**E:** Which was the entire point of the box.

**L:** I have no bloody idea how you came to that conclusion.

**E:** See, I told him I’d put him in a box. I did. That pissed him off, which made me feel extremely satisfied with myself.

**W:** When aren’t you, though? Extremely satisfied with yourself, that is.

**E:** When I have to listen to you arguing with me for no reason. Those times I wonder what I could possibly have done to deserve this.

**J:** It’s probably bad karma from all the shit you’ve pulled.

**B:** I don’t think karma works that way.

**L:** And you totally deserve Brandt. Now you know what it’s like to have to deal with your stubborn ass.

**B:** Well, he’s not wrong. I mean, you don’t mind it when Will curses at you.

**J:** And every time we have to split up for a mission you always take Will.

**L:** And you get boners when you see him in tight suits.

**B:** And you made him wear a Speedo.

**W:** I don’t know if I should be flattered or feel objectified.

**E:** Flattered, I guess?

**W:** Okay then. I’m flattered.

**E:** Enough to have coffee with me?

**W:** Yeah, I guess so.

**E:** Great!

**L:** About fucking time.

**J:** Yeah, the sexual tension was beginning to get asphyxiating.

**B:** And I’m not sure how many times Ethan can say “It’s for a mission” before that excuse gets old.

**E:** This doesn’t mean you’re not all still disowned.

**J:** Sure, Ethan. Whatever you say.

**W:** I don’t think anyone’s going to get any actual information from this so-called guide, though.

**E:** What are you talking about? I think it’s _very_ educational.

**B:** Of course you’d say that.

**E:** What’s that supposed to mean?

**B:** Nothing. Go snog Will.

**E:** _Fine_.

**Author's Note:**

> Feedback is most welcome!  
> [my tumblr.](http://chesterbennington.co.vu)
> 
> Love,  
> Remy x


End file.
